It's The Millenium, Stupid (Part 1-1/1 [?])
by Don-O
Summary: A terminaly unfinished Daria/South Park/Blues Brothers crossover about the coming of the unfinished decade or year, which ever you choose.


'It's the Millennium, Stupid!'  
(Part One of One[?])  
by Don Fields  
  
(a pointless DARIA/South Park/Blues Brothers crossover fanfic, which is, also, a sequel to 'The Sound Of One Band Sucking', also a pointless DARIA/South Park crossover fanfic, which is ALSO based on Danny Bronstien's 'One Band Town'...God!, I pity me)  
  
(WARNING! It really doesn't matter if you read 'One Band Sucking' story or not, since this one is 90% self-contained...though it wouldn't hurt. Whatever.)  
  
SCENE ONE:  
We open on to a midnight star-lit sky. There's 40's jazz music as BGM. We hear a narrator (NICK) over this scene.  
  
NICK: (v.o.)  
You can sense it, can you? The sound of it's arrival. The shadow eclipsing your path. The smell of the stupidity that follows it. This big black elephant coming to a headache near you. What could it be? That repugnant repository called 'The Millennium', 'Y2K' the year of our Lord, 2000! You read the paper and hear the rants on Art Bell about all world working themselves up to a PMS frenzy over this set of numbers that will spell the end of their 24 hr. digital convenient store lifestyle..  
  
We then pan down to the skyline of old Los Angeles circa 1945. The V. O. continues...  
  
NICK: (cont.)  
Um. Big fat hairy deal. Just a set of numbers to measure the time distance between shots of Old Crow and IRS collecting your body. But, in this darkened day and age, we're all obsessed with numbers; the amount of money people give to Jerry Lewis just to get him the hell off the air for another year, how many visits to McDonalds we can squeeze in before the diabetes kicks in, Pamela Anderson-What's-Her-Name-Now's changing breasts size, Dan Quayle's changing head size and so on. We're standing on the rim of the toilet bowl of the new century, ready to dive in and get flushed into the gutter of history and when those storm drains overflow with droppings of wasted humanity, it's usually up to the janitorial saps like me to clean up the mess.....  
  
We pull back and find it was a view from old office. The furnishings are from the 40's. In fact, this scene is in black & white. Piles of paperwork, cigarette buts, empty booze bottles are scattered everywhere. It looks like an old private detective office from one of those old Noir Crime films. We then find a figure sitting behind a desk with his feet resting on top of the desk. A moment passes until the figure sees 'US' and pulls his feet off the desk and to the floor. We finally see his face. He's wearing a fandora hat on the side of the head, ragged shirt & tie with rolled up sleeves, a tired yet tough features on his face and a lit cigarette dangling of the very side of his mouth. The only real distinctive feature about him is his blond shoulder-long hair. Other than the hair, all this adds up to a true hard-broiled detective. He looks straight at the camera (i.e. 'US'). His name is NICK DANGER.  
  
NICK:  
Who am I? The streets know me as that bum, my ex knows me as 'that cheap bum', the landlord around here calls me 'that lazy bastard who's three months behind on his rent' and the man who painted my name on the door knows me as (looks at the door and squints) 'REGNAD KCIN'. (goes back to us) But you nosy little brats will have to call me NICK DANGER, private third eye detective; when two eyes aren't enough. Whenever these droppings become too complex, too irrational or just plain stupid to empty out to pollute the Bay Of Mankind, they find themselves to my front door like Krishnas to airports. Sure, some days the cases pile up so high that I can't even see through those baldheaded freaks crowding my door. But then, just when things become more confusing and hopeless than a choking guest at a Christian Science banquet, there's a case that will jump out like a sore paper cut and make you remember to bring band aids and tell ya why you fell into the job in the first place, outside of trying to pay off your student loan, of course......  
  
NICK reaches for the waist paper basket and turns it over and dumps the contents onto the floor. He then picks up a folder on top of this pile.  
  
NICK: (cont.)  
Take for example this case that I just wrapped up, I call it 'The Case of the Crossover Blues'. An mindless affair and yet so mesmerizing....not good, just...(searching for the right word) mesmerizing. You're about to see is a typical pattern I usually see in these Y2K cases. The time: Just a couple of weeks before that the big flush. The place: Well, we'll first start this demolition derby in one of the many pot holes in the American landscape, a place where taste and human evolution forgot. The warning sign of oblivion that says...'Welcome to South Park, Colorado'....   
  
WE fade into color and in a darkened large office. It's very late at night. The only light seen is from a desk lamp over a crowded desk. We also hear a diabolical giggling coming from behind the pile of papers. We then hear a female VOICE behind the giggling.  
  
VOICE:  
Hee, Hee, Hee....The plan is set! Soon the wheels will soon slowly but surely roll! The trap is ready! The timing will be swift and smooth!...and the effect will be beyond mere comprehension!....  
  
A close-up shoot of the pile of papers reveals the identity of this VOICE: it happens to be the MAYOR of South Park and she looks like a mad scientist; grinning ear to freakin' ear!  
  
MAYOR:  
..and all those who stand in our way of the dawn of the new reign shall drink the hot boiling mug of the black sperm of our vengeance!......HA! HA! HA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!  
  
SCENE TWO:  
CUT to the next day. It's morning and we are at Mr. Garisson's class and the usual South Park suspects are in attendants: CARTMAN, KENNY, STAN, KYLE and WENDY as well as the nameless students. GARRISON hasn't shown up yet. CARTMAN whales a big yawn and the usual gang of idiots respond.  
  
KYLE:  
Gees, dude! You look tired. What happened?  
  
CARTMAN:  
Well, I was up all night watching the 'Gong Show' marathon on the 'Game Show Channel'. My mom told me she was on one of those old episodes and won the prize...  
  
STAN:  
Wow! That's cool, dude!!  
  
CARTMAN:  
So I was up all night looking for her but I didn't see the episode.  
  
KYLE:  
What did she do?  
  
CARTMAN:  
She said she was sucking on a popsicle.  
  
KENNY then starts to giggle.  
  
STAN:  
That's all??  
  
CARTMAN:  
Yea, I mean...what so special about that? I mean you put the thing in your mouth and suck on it. Suck, suck, suckity, suck. Hell, anybody can do it. Maybe she was doing it blindfolded or hanging upside down or something....  
  
KENNY's giggling erupts into full-blown laughter. The guys notices this.  
  
KYLE:  
What's up with Kenny?  
  
STAN:  
Maybe he's seen that episode...  
  
CARTMAN: (angrily)  
He better not, that goddamned penguin humper! Nobody sneaks behind my back and says my mom sucks. They can get on their knees and suck my balls.  
  
KENNY laughs even louder and falls off his chair.  
  
CARTMAN:  
I think he's been sucking on those Redi Whip cans again.  
  
KENNY laughs even louder. The bell rings and Mr. GARRISON (with Mr. Hands in tow) enters the classroom. He addresses the class.  
  
GARRISON:  
O. K., be quite, children. Class is in session. Now, before I kill eight hours of my time with crapola that you'll never use in real life, I have some exciting news! The principle has just informed me that we are participating in a student exchange program.  
  
STAN:  
Another one to Europe?! Cool!  
  
KYLE:  
Don't get you hopes up. Look what happened to Kenny. He went to Amsterdam and got his ass deported.  
  
WENDY:  
Really? What did he get kick out for?  
  
KYLE:  
Ah, some bull over "unauthorized activites".  
  
WENDY:  
.....doing.....?  
  
CARTMAN looks over at KENNY who still laughing on the floor.  
  
CARTMAN:  
I think it has to do something with hash bars.  
  
GARRISON:  
Nope, you won't be going anywhere near that evil pagan bump. This one will be centered in our own God-fearing backyard. I have just been given the list of names that who will be participating in this program. Mr. Hands will do the honors.  
  
GARRISON opens a piece of paper and holds it in front of Mr. HANDS to read in front of the class.  
  
HANDS:  
Well, looks like the lucky rugrunts are....ERIC CARTMAN, KYLE BROSLOFSKY, STAN McCORMICK and STANLY MARSH!  
  
STAN: (pleasantly surprised)  
Holy Crap! We've been picked! Kick Megaton Ass!  
  
WENDY: (upset)  
Wait a minute!?!?! Based on what?! Isn't these exchange programs are supposed to favor more intelligent students than these door knobs and help them escape from their culturally empty hometowns.  
  
GARRISON: (calmly)  
Normally yes, Wendy. However, this program is based on social class than more elitist snobbish structure. Therefore, your candy bourgeoisie ass is stuck with us slobs, Ms. Karl Marx.  
  
HANDS: (to GARRISON, excited)  
Mr. Garrison! Mr. Garrison! Look! You name is on the list, too.  
  
GARRSION: (surprised and looks at the paper himself)  
Really! Looks like this program includes teachers! Wow! They're serious with this stupid idea....(he thinks a bit and gets a little angry to himself)....I wonder who's the bastard sending me up the creek on this one.  
  
STAN:  
Well, even though Mr. Garrison is coming along, this may turn out to be a sweet deal!  
  
KYLE:  
I don't know, dude. We could staying with some goddamed Jesus Freak family.  
  
CARTMAN: (to KYLE)  
Ah, you're only worried 'cos them Jesus Freaks hates Jews and roasts your kosher ass as a human sacrifice for their barbecue.  
  
KYLE: (angrily to CARTMAN)  
EAT KOSHER SHIT, FAT ASS!!  
  
STAN:  
Kyle? Not to sound like an assbag like Cartman, but aren't Jewish people just as psychotic and brain dead as Christians?  
  
KYLE:  
Hey, WE have a freaking sense of humor and irony! We got Henny Youngman, Lenny Bruce, Woody Allen, Mel Brooks, Billy Crystal, Jackie Mason,...(catches himself)...wait...scratch Crystal...well, you know what I mean. Let me put it to you this way, can you name just ONE funny Christian?  
  
STAN:  
Well, there's Rev. Gene Scott, Pastor Dick...  
  
KYLE: (cutting him off)  
...intentionally funny Christian?  
  
STAN stops and thinks.  
  
STAN:  
I see your point.  
  
CARTMAN: (to GARRISON)  
Mr. Garrison? What Jesus Freak hell hole are we going to?  
  
GARRISON:  
It's a yuppie middle-upper class arm pit called....(he looks closer at the paper for dramatic effect)....Lawndale, Maryland.  
  
The kids react...as well as the angry WENDY!  
  
SCENE THREE:  
We cut to Daria's corner of the world in Principle LI's office. LI is, too, sitting at her crowded desk with a deviously happy look on her face. She has just finished a conversation over the phone and has just hanged up.  
  
LI: (dramatically to herself)  
After years of bickering. The months of negotiations. The days of planing. The last few minutes of anticipation....and n-o-o-o-o-w, the ax is ready to drop on the heads of the unfaithful infidels. (she grabs the microphone to the schools P. A. system) Let our holly jihad begin. (she presses the talk button) Attention, La-a-a-a-awndale High Heathens...I mean, students, I have an important announcement to....(she then notices the indicator light at the base of the stand is not on) Oh, damn it! (she then rams the mike against her desk and checks it again...no luck) Quadruple Rats!. (she throws down the mike, gets up and makes it for the door) Looks like I picked a wrong week to end those janitor whipping sessions.  
  
Cut to the middle of MR. DeMARTINO's class. A written test has just begun. DARIA and JANE are seated next to each other (of course) with KEVIN seated behind DARIA. All are writing away, except poor KEVIN who is stuck on a particular question. Soon after we cut in, JANE finishes her test and slams her test paper down and reaches for her skecthbook. DARIA notices her actions.  
  
DARIA: (to JANE)  
What took you so long? It would normally take you a minute to finish with that 'marking all the C's' suicide method of yours.  
  
JANE: (to DARIA)  
Yea, but I think DeMartino is wising up and had put in a few speed bumps in my path of average C accomplishment. So I went up a notch to the B's. That oughta confuse him.  
  
KEVIN: (quietly to DARIA)  
Ah,.....Daria....?  
  
DARIA:  
Speaking of which....  
  
KEVIN: (cont.)  
How do you spell the answer to number one?  
  
DARIA: (quizitive to KEVIN)  
Excuse me?  
  
KEVIN: (begging a bit)  
You know...number ONE...  
  
DARIA:  
*sigh* It's...K...E....V....I...N...space....T....  
  
DeMARTINO: (cutting off DARIA)  
Ms. Morgandorffer, as much I appreciate your GENEROSITY of helping your fellow CARBON SPECIES, I think it would be wise to let the excuse for NECULAR WASTE DUMP OF DNA CELLS suffer the slings and arrows of it's own lack of ability to spell HIS GIVEN PET NAME!!! If you GET my meaning and I think you're the only BREATHING APE THAT DOES!!  
  
We then hear the sound of running feet and heavy breathing approaching. Only DeMARTINO, JANE and DARIA notices this.   
  
JANE: (to DARIA)  
Ah, the sound of pitter patter feet of impending doom.  
  
DARIA:  
I wonder if it's too late to jump out the window and get it over with.  
  
JANE:  
From the first floor?  
  
DARIA:  
Damn!!  
  
DeMARTINO gets up, mumbles to himself and walks over to the door and opens the door for the incomming LI.  
  
DeMARTINO: (to himself)  
..EVERYtime I have trouble filling these EMPTY-headed garden GNOMES....  
  
Unfortunately, no fast enough as DeMARTINO has just opened a few inches when LI bolts in, pushing the door open hitting the door against DeMARTINO, smacking him between the corner wall and the door and lands on the floor. LI, of course, takes no notice.  
  
LI: (to the classroom)  
Students!..(suddenly notice the absents of DeMARTINO)..Where's your teacher?  
  
DARIA:  
He's out to lunch  
  
JANE:  
In meny ways....  
  
LI whips out her personal mini-tape recorder, presses the record button and quickly dictates a message.  
  
LI: (into the recorder)  
Diane! Launch a full investigation behind Anothy DeMartino's latest escape attempt ....(pauses)....AFTER interrogating the janitor. (she puts the recorder away and goes back to addressing the class) STUDENTS! I've come baring good news.....  
  
DARIA:  
Define 'good'.  
  
JANE:  
Define 'masochism'.  
  
LI: (cont.)  
La-a-a-a-a-wndale Hi-i-i-i-i-igh has been chosen to participate in a student exchange program. A small handful of students has been chosen to be exchanged with a secret less-fortunate school to extend the chain of cooperation and understanding across the social boundaries.  
  
DARIA: (to LI)  
Would this chain be the same one that you tried to lasso around my neck to drag me to Manatee?  
  
LI: (suddenly defensive)  
UH!...THAT WASN'T MY IDEA!! Your name was submitted by the student body. I wish your mother would of fell off that broom stick and actually paid attention to the details.  
  
DARIA:  
Ooooooooh, yea....the student body.  
  
DARIA then turns her head and shoots a killer look of death at JODIE two aisles over. JODIE just shrivels.  
  
JANE:  
Your mother?  
  
DARIA: (back to JANE)  
You remember? The lawsuit and the papers to get me the hell out of Florida.  
  
JANE:  
Ooooh!! I was too busy remembering you stuffing Jodie's student body into Kevin's smelly hall locker after you came back.  
  
LI: (still to DARIA)  
Regardless, this program is based on more 'social' background than 'academic', so you and THAT mother of yours won't have a thing to told against me.  
  
JANE: (to JODIE)  
Yea, good for you, Jodie!  
  
LI: (back to the class)  
Names are being withheld until the chosen students have been notified out of concern for their embarrassment. Second, please don't forget our special millenium concert next week! Even though we haven't booked the acts JUST yet, I'm sure all of you WILL buy your tickets as soon as possible to help fund school activities such as future exchange programs.  
  
DARIA: (to JANE)  
I'll buy a ticket only if there's a program to force feeds her psychedelic mushrooms.  
  
JANE: (carefully to DARIA)  
...or buy her a vibrator...she needs, at least, a legal way to get that hostility out of her system....  
  
LI:  
I'm afraid that's all the time I have for details, students, as I got to (checks her watch) spread this wondrous news to twelve more classes before first break. Carry on, youths of our tomorrow!  
  
LI turns to exit and close the door behind her. DeMARTINO manages to get up and out of the doors way, but, as before, not fast enough as LI suddenly opens the door and sticks her head back in the classroom, hitting DeMARTINO again.  
  
LI: (cont.)  
OH! Before I forget. I must ask all of you that if you see William Stang, our head janitor, hiding around here somewhere, you have my official permission to apprehend him and drag him to my office so we can GET THAT DAMNED P. A. FIXED! There's a $500 award with bonus extra curricular activity credits for HIS HEAD. Thank You.  
  
LI finally exits and slams the door shut. The sound of her running feet fades off into the distance. At this point, DeMARTINO is on the floor.  
  
DeMARTINO: (to himself)  
...looks like I picked a wrong week to stop taking those PAIN KILLERS!  
  
SCENE FOUR:  
It's the end of school day and JANE is hanging out at DARIA's locker watching as DARIA gets ready to go home.  
  
DARIA:  
You might not want to stand so close to me. My premonition instinct is acting up today.  
  
JANE:  
So? With MY patented flawed system of predicting the opposite in place, we'll be able to suffer the ordeal before the pain sets in.  
  
DARIA:  
No, serious. Dad has been acting.....moody lately.  
  
JANE:  
....than usual?...  
  
DARIA:  
Well, other than the normal outwardly mood swings that echoes through the front door of my chambers.....but lately, he's just been...quiet.  
  
JANE:  
....and this suddenly lack of the emotional radar reading has gotten the family concerned.  
  
DARIA: (a tad upset)  
IF the other Manson Family members can tare themselves from their social Hellrodeo and take notice. It seems I'm the only one picking up on this. Now, my patented dreaded instincts are telling me that if this quite streak continues, Dad will be more insufferable than mom and Quinn combined and it will be up to me to get the tranquilizer gun out and drag him to the loony bin.  
  
JANE:  
Soooo, what are the suttle signs here?  
  
DARIA:  
First off, I can't seem to set my watch as he has stopped his regular blasting at his father, he get misty eyed when that orphan character that shows up on one of Quinn's idiotic favorite shows, he gets edgy when he loses the last piece to either his boat models or puzzle and starts crying when he misses a sock.....  
  
JANE:  
Hmmmm, I can already see a 'missing pieces of my life' motif developing here.  
  
DARIA:  
...and get this, instead of that usual New Age/Lite Jazz crap, I've heard blues music coming out of the bedroom and car whenever Mom and Quinn aren't around...  
  
JANE:  
Hmmm, you're standard Robert Cray/Stevie Ray Vaughn ranch type?  
  
DARIA:  
Nope. We're talking HEAVY blues here, Ray Charles, Charles Brown, Muddy Water, B. B. King, Lighten Hopkins, John Lee Hooker....(more weight)...Robert Johnson...  
  
JANE: (surprised)  
That IS heavy, more than those Firesign Theater marathons you had to suffer through. I can see why you're concerned over the poor fella.  
  
DARIA:  
*sign*...and I don't freakin' know why! He better not have a big conniption like Quinn had when they discontinued her favorite color nail polish as I'm NOT in the stinking mood to baby-sit Dad's nerves like I had to with her. Maybe I should walk into Li's office and commit harri-karri by volunteering to go on that student exchange caravan to hell before this bomb hits.  
  
Both see JODIE about to walk pass them.  
  
JANE: (out to JODIE)  
AH! Speaking of freak accidents...  
  
JODIE stops and turns towards JANE and DARIA  
  
DARIA: (to JODIE)  
So?  
  
JODIE:  
What?  
  
DARIA:  
You know, THE freak accident! This student exchange deal.  
  
JANE: (eager for the juicy news)  
Yea! Who got sacrificed and who signed the deal with the devil?  
  
JODIE: (defensive)  
What makes you think I know anything about it?  
  
DARIA:  
One, you're the model student that Li wet dreams over; Two, you're the Student Body president...  
  
JANE:  
...thus making you Li's Egore Jr. So, you're the first person to know what scientific experiments Mrs. Frankenstien has cooked up. Come on, Quasimoto.  
  
DARIA: (to JANE)  
Wrong hunchback, FrankenSTEEN.  
  
JODIE:  
Even IF I knew, at least, WHO was chosen, and I'm NOT saying that I DO, I don't think I have the stomach to admit that I was anyway connected to one of Li's little schemes. (more to herself) Sometimes after one of our meetings, I feel I need a shower just to wash the grime off and try to forget that it all happened.  
  
DARIA and JANE look at each other with a pleasant shock.  
  
JANE: (a touch of giddiness)  
Ooooh, NOW we'll have to pry it out of her!  
  
DARIA: (ditto)  
Hand me the crowbar!  
  
JANE:  
Guys, please believe me. You...don't...want...to...know! (whispers to DARIA and JANE) Li's gone off the deep on this one!  
  
Before any of the ladies continue this conversation, they hear the sound of UPCHUCK and KEVIN walking down past them. They are in mid-conversation.  
  
KEVIN: (excited, to UPCHUCK)  
Dude, this exchange program gonna be so cool.  
  
UPCHUCK: (also excited, to KEVIN)  
I wonder what the chicks are like in this town. I do hope this place swings with waves of bodacous babes GAYlore!  
  
KEVIN:  
You know what they say, ain't nothing wrong with a little swing with some fresher PLAYmates to spice up your life. Eh, Chuckie?  
  
UPCHUCK:  
Oh waiter, I would like some 'desert' with my A La Babe Deluxe platter, if you please.  
  
KEVIN and UPCHUCK: (together)  
G-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r.........  
  
Both disappear from the scene. JODIE, DARIA and JANE are left a gaped! Then they look at each other. JANE points her thumb at KEVIN and UPCHUCK.  
  
JANE: (astonished, to JODIE)  
Ummmm.....?  
  
JODIE:  
.....it gets worse. (pauses and takes a deep sigh) They're going to an elementary school.  
  
DARIA:  
.....and the Penthouse Letters Committee dosen't know THAT yet?  
  
JODIE looks even worse. DARIA and JANE take that as a 'yes'.  
  
DARIA:  
Normally, I'd enjoy this round of life's irony but my premonitions are getting worse.  
  
JANE:  
Guys, I got some carved pieces made out of my dad's old soap on a rope collection in my locker. You can shower off with them if you need to.  
  
SCENE FIVE:  
DARIA and JANE are outside in the neighborhood walking home from school.  
  
DARIA: (to JANE)  
Soooo how's that record store mural project going?  
  
JANE: (to DARIA)  
I rolling ahead of schedule...for a change. I'll soon start painting it a couple of days.  
  
JANE pulls out the sketchbook out of her backpack, opens it to a certain page and gives it to DARIA.  
  
DARIA:  
...and how much are you selling your soul for?  
  
JANE:  
Five hundred bucks, paint, equipment and a year's worth of used CD's. Ain't much of a payment, but it ain't much of a size either. Once I got the essential idea for the piece, I REALLY went to town!  
  
DARIA takes a good look at the page.  
  
DARIA:  
Hmmm....dosen't one of the heads of the seven headed apocalyptic horse looks like Casey Kesem?  
  
JANE:  
YeeeeeUP! The other heads are Creg Ginn, Chris Blackwell; both record label presidents; Evan Cohen; a lawyer, Bono from U2, the head of the RIAA and Tipper Gore.....  
  
DARIA:  
...and the bearded gnome wearing a ski jacket chopping off the heads with the puppy chewing off the horses legs?  
  
JANE:  
The gnome is 'The Weatherman' from Negativland and the cute and viscous puppy is Snuggles! It's my way of marking the anniversary of the kidnapping of Negativland's U2 single.  
  
DARIA:  
The one you keep boring me about with the fake U2 recording with CB jammers yelling obenities at each other and Casey Kesem cussing about a long distance dedication to a dead dog and U2 being from England?  
  
JANE:  
Business people and disc jockeys just don't have a sense of humor especially when you appropriate their wrinkled faces for artistic statement. Even though they did crush the single, this little mural should warn them that it's every UNwise to piss off an artists as your sorry little ass CAN be drawn. (pauses) Speaking of which, you still want me to do that commission on Quinn for you?  
  
From out of nowhere, JAKE drives up in his car and stops next to JANE and DARIA.  
  
JAKE: (to DARIA)  
Hey, kiddo!  
  
DARIA: (to JANE)  
I think I might have to change it to a family portrait.  
  
JAKE:  
You need ride home? (to JANE) How about you, Jane?  
  
DARIA: (quietly to JANE)  
This is NOT a good sign. He remembers your name. Most Stephen King novels begins this way....  
  
JANE is pleasantly surprised and is caught off guard by JAKE's generous offer.  
  
JANE: (to JAKE)  
Ummm...sure, why not...thanks.  
  
DARIA:  
I'm holding you responsible if he whip out his steel claw.  
  
JANE: (to DARIA)  
Wrong reference, Buffy.  
  
Both enter the car with DARIA up front and JANE in the back. Muddy Waters' 'All Abroad' is playing from the tape deck. After they're seated, JAKE drives off.  
  
JAKE: (to DARIA)  
Good thing I bumped into you when I did. Your mother phoned me at work to tell me she will be coming in late for a VERY important reason.  
  
DARIA: (usual deadpan delivery)  
She pillaged another corporate village and is attending a victory beheading party?  
  
JAKE:  
(laughs) Ha Ha! No, kiddo. She's picking up some exchange students and they'll be boarding up with us for a spell.  
  
JANE and DARIA look at each other in interpretation.  
  
DARIA: (sence of impending doom)  
Ooooh, great.  
  
JANE: (to DARIA)  
I see you're already going ga-ga.  
  
JAKE: (somewhat concerned)  
She said a few other things but it's so damned hard to hear her when she talks through clinched teeth. All I could figure out was 'That Linda Griffin' isn't going to show me off' this and "Linda Griffin" that...and so on. You know the routine.  
  
JANE: (to JAKE, noticing the music)  
Hey, ain't that Muddy Waters?  
  
JAKE:  
You bet, Jane! You listen to the blues much?  
  
JANE:  
I sure do...when Trent tries to tackle a few chores while practicing.  
  
JAKE laughs while DARIA looks slightly nervous.  
  
JAKE:  
I'll bet that house jumps like crazy when you and your brothers and sisters are boarding.  
  
DARIA doesn't like this opening question.  
  
JANE:  
Not bloddly lately, five of Wind's ex-wives are looking for him AND his tenth wife, Penny is trying to sell hand-crafted condoms at Vatican City, our dear old Dad is off lost photographing the dodo bird and Summer has ran away for a change with the little youngin's looking for HER. Nope, the only sound of family we got is mom burring herself and Trent and the boys preparing for another micro tour.  
  
JAKE: (starts to, in his own blind way, reminisce)  
Oh, I remember those days. The wonderful sound of brother and sister fighting, chasing after each other, biking with your big brother, kidding around....  
  
DARIA: (trying to cut JAKE off)  
Uh, Dad,....  
  
JAKE: (starting to get melodramatic)  
Then I remember, I never did have a sister nor did a....big brother...  
  
DARIA:  
Dad?  
  
JAKE: (starts to rant off)  
Oh, sure...I had noise around the house...it was my dad telling me...no, JOKING WITH Mad Dog Jr. to see if he needed to have his diaper changed from moping around the house with no BROTHERS and SISTERS to help me suck my thumb....  
  
DARIA: (angrily to JANE)  
Jane!  
  
JAKE:  
You know what you have for company around here, young puppy, my dad would tell me? THE WALL IN YOUR BEDROOM! THAT'S right...THE WALL! The next time you feel all lonely for a companion on a bike ride JUST ASK THE WALL and see if it cared! THAT'S YOUR BUDDY, THE WALL!!!  
  
JANE: (to DARIA)  
What?!  
  
JAKE: (more to himself)  
What could I do? I always though I had a something or someone else from my childhood but all I had was the wall...a peptol bismol puke pink wall...to tell my troubles to...to play Monopoly with....  
  
DARIA: (upset, to JANE)  
Later!  
  
JAKE: (calmed down to depression)  
...and I usually end up losing to the wall, too. (pause) Stupid wall.  
  
DARIA looks out the window.  
  
DARIA:  
Um, dad, where are we?  
  
JAKE snaps out of it and finally notices WHERE he is going. Down the highway seeing a 'You're Now Leaving Lawndale' sign on the side of the road.  
  
JAKE:  
Aw, damn. Not again!  
  
SCENE FIVE:  
We find HELEN at informal dining area (next to the kitchen) with STAN, KYLE, KENNY (seated next to HELEN) and CARTMAN. They are at the table, facing each other and forced to talk to (or interrogated by) HELEN.  
  
HELEN: (to the boys)  
Now that we are settled down. I think it's about we should formally introduced ourselves...  
  
STAN:  
You mean, other that incident back at Ms. Li's office.  
  
HELEN: (laughing it off)  
Ha, ha, ha, Oh, THAT! Sorry about that. I just wanted to get the formalities with Li and Ms. Griffin out of the way and get you little children settled away.  
  
STAN:  
Oh.  
  
HELEN: (angrily, to herself)  
...and get the HELL out of that venomous snake pit from those god-damned vipers...  
  
CARTMAN: (to STAN)  
A freakin' Jesus freak, dude.  
  
STAN: (to CARTMAN)  
Suck my balls, anti-semi...  
  
HELEN: (quickly snaps out of it and back to the kids)  
I understand one of you young children went on a exchange program to Europe!  
  
KYLE:  
Oh, yea. That was Kenny.  
  
HELEN: (excited, to KENNY)  
How WONderful!! Where did you go, Kenny?  
  
KENNY: (excited himself)  
Hmmftthhhhuf  
  
HELEN:  
What?  
  
KYLE:  
Uh, He went to Amsterdam.  
  
HELEN:  
Reeealy?! FanTASTic! What did you DO there?  
  
KENNY starts to describe his activities...illegal ones, that is and makes some physical descriptions; mimicking pop smoking, humping, shooting up, seeing adult shows (with descriptions of there own). All the while, the guys trying to stop him in fear of embarrassing them. KENNY first mimics pop smoking.  
  
KYLE: (quietly to KENNY)  
DUDE! You sure you want to tell her about the pot.....!!!  
  
KENNY mimics shooting up.  
  
STAN: (ditto)  
Not the heroin!!! We'll be sleeping in the garage....!!!!  
  
KENNY mimics humping (i.e. moving his pelvis and arms back and forth)  
  
CARTMAN:  
AAAAHHHH! Don't bring up those goddamned sheeps!!!!!  
  
KENNY finishes. The rest of the guys just sit and stare at HELEN for her reaction and impending doom. HELEN has a quizitive look on her face.  
  
HELEN:  
I can BARELY understand ANYthing Kenny had just said.  
  
KYLE: (cutting HELEN off and thinking off from the top of his head)  
Ah, well, Ms. Morgandorffer, What he just said was that the...sky was so clear in that country it doesn't smell like cigarettes like our hometown.  
  
STAN: (ditto)  
...and all that good air wasssss....a shot in the arm for his blood circulation.  
  
CARTMAN: (ditto)  
...and all that hiking and mandatory exercising made his ass well-toned, too.  
  
HELEN:  
Be that as it may, I find Kenny's chose of wardrobe is seriously interfering with his speech and an constant flow of communication is vitally important in this household. (to KENNY) You might not like this, young man, but I MUST insist that you take that hood off.  
  
HELEN, being the forceful person as she is, leans over to KENNY and begins to loosen the string around KENNY's hood. The guys react in fright.  
  
STAN: (to HELEN)  
Ms. Morgandorffer!! You DON'T want to do that!!  
  
KYLE: (ditto)  
You're treading into no-mans land there!!  
  
HELEN: (sternly to the guys)  
PLEASE! I have two young children and one over-grown one and I know a thing or two on how to take care of questionable hygiene behavior reflected by dangerous personal quarks.  
  
HELEN finally unties the loose and unfolds the hood off of KENNY. We only see HELEN's face and the back of KENNY's head. Soon as the hood is out of KENNY's unseen face, HELEN takes one good look and screams in horror.  
  
HELEN:  
AAAAHHHHHHHHUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!  
  
Just as quickly, she pulls the hood back over KENNY's head and face.  
  
CARTMAN: (to the guys)  
You think them broads would learn by now.  
  
Suddenly, QUINN walks in from the front room.  
  
QUINN: (slightly concerned)  
What's the matter, mom? Did they discontinued your favorite nail polish color, too?  
  
QUINN notices KENNY, STAN, KYLE and CARTMAN.  
  
HELEN: (to QUINN, shaking it off)  
OH! Quinn! This is Kenny, Kyle, Stan and Eric. They're exchange students from South Park, Colorado. They'll be staying with us for awhile.  
  
QUINN:  
Really! How cute! (notices their choice of clothing). Ewwww! Though their outfits leave something bigger than a model's closet to be desired.  
  
KENNY: (angrily)  
Mmmmmtththflflflit!  
  
QUINN: (directly to KENNY, a little HELEN creeps out)  
Young man, I run a tightly high-fashionable ship around here and I know a thing or two about cutting off impending fashions disasters down the road and YOU are headed for a one-way ticket on the Titanic WITHOUT DeCaprio and Wislet. I expect you to be CUTE for your age if you want me to show you off to my friends in this house. So, we'll start with YOU, my muffling friend.  
  
She begins to undo KENNY's hood. HELEN reacts.  
  
HELEN:  
Sweetie, please. Why don't we just wait for your father and...  
  
QUINN: (cutting off HELEN from mentioning DARIA)  
Take it easy, mom. This shouldn't take too long.  
  
The guys plug their ears and HELEN braces for the outcome. As before, we only see the back of KENNY's head and QUINN's face. QUINN takes the hood and sees KENNY's face. Everybody braces for the worst. Instead, QUINN studies KENNY's face carefully. Her mind is at work.  
  
QUINN: (calmly)  
Hmmmmmm. Good GOD. Somebody played racquetball on your face? Well, I think I can tackle this piece of work but I'm afraid this goes beyond the simple crushed cucumber/nail polish mixture facial manicure and total homemade bio-chemical wash down. This one WILL take some time.  
  
She puts KENNY's hood on and turns to the guys.  
  
QUINN: (cont.)  
...now as far as the rest of you guys, your problems is nothing more than a simple full wardrobe make-over. (to HELEN) Mom, do we still have those clothes the cousin's left here from their last visit?  
  
HELEN: (surprised with QUINN's calm professionalism)  
OH! They're in the closet in the guest room.  
  
QUINN:  
(to HELEN) Good! (to the guys) Now, you stay put now while I get your new clothes. I think I still got some of those 'TelleTubies' shirts.  
  
CARTMAN:  
'TeleTubbies'?! Are you joking?!  
  
KYLE:  
Yea, that crap's sooo damned gay. That reverend goofball said so.  
  
QUINN:  
Look, are you going to trust some demented dark-colored polyester wearing Southern Baptist preacher with YOUR fashion future?  
  
CARTMAN:  
Auuuuh...  
  
QUINN:  
Exactly! Now, you little mannequins sit tight while I get the clothes.  
  
QUINN turns around, cracks her knuckles (VERY loud) and leaves the room with a determened stride. Cut to a few minutes later as JAKE and DARIA finally makes it through the front door. As JAKE closes the door behind them, they meet QUINN running down the stares with arms FULL of clothes. QUINN stops in front of them blocking their way to the kitchen.  
  
QUINN:  
Oh, GOD! You guys just HAD to show up right now!! Shoo! Shoo!  
  
DARIA: (deadpan bitchy)  
Quinn, we LIVE here.  
  
JAKE: (whining)  
...and I'm hungry!  
  
QUINN:  
Well, go scarf you face somewhere else. Those kids are here and I got to dress them up with these new clothes.  
  
DARIA:  
The same ones you chased the cousins out from last time? Look, why don't you just poison them in their sleep and get the torture over with.  
  
QUINN: (to DARIA)  
Listen...YOU...I'm giving these young people a new start on a new more NORMAL life through better fabrics and the last THING I need is you ruin their fragile little minds with your...your...cooties and end up a human reject like YOU, cootie monster. Now, go to your dungeon...the both of you!  
  
Before this round of sibling wars gets on it's way, HELEN emerges from the kitchen to investigate. The guys follow behind her.  
  
HELEN:  
Quinn? Is there any trouble out there?  
  
Quinn quickly turns around and, with the clothes on each arm, tries to block HELEN's and the guys view of JAKE and DARIA.  
  
QUINN:  
Uuuhhh, nothings wrong, mom!  
  
DARIA:  
Just us cootie monsters inflicting Quinn's fragile warped mind.  
  
QUINN turns slightly and shoots DARIA a nasty look.  
  
CARTMAN:  
Really? I though you guys were fictional.  
  
While QUINN is distracted, the guys manage to peek around her and the clothes and see DARIA and vise versa. Both parties are astonished and gasp. The guys are suddenly jubilant.  
  
STAN: (at the top of his lungs)  
HOLY GODDAMNED CRAP!! IT'S DARIA!!!  
  
The guys cheer and start to run towards DARIA. Half way through, the guys push QUINN out of the way, forcing her over the big sofa and flinging the clothes every where.  
  
CARTMAN: (to, but no looking at, QUINN)  
HEY! Out of the way you fashion nazi bitch!!!  
  
QUINN:  
AAAAaaaaa!  
  
QUINN lands on the living room floor baried underneath the clothes as the guys stop just in front of DARIA, jumping up and down with joy at her feet.  
  
KENNY:  
HHffffMMMttthhhh!!!! (etc.)  
  
KYLE:  
Of all the Jesus Freak dumps....Can I carry you backpack?!?!  
  
STAN:  
Oh, SHIT! How's it going, babe?!?!  
  
CARTMAN:  
Well, shove a banana down my pants and lock me in a room filled with monkeys! It's goddmned Daria!!  
  
A quick cut to the front of DARIA's bedroom door. DARIA approaches it with the guys right behind her fighting over her backpack. KYLE has her backpack.  
  
CARTMAN:  
O. K., you guys we reached the top of the stares, it my turn to carry it to Daria's backpack to her bedroom door!  
  
KYLE:  
Too late, Peterbuilt butt! We're already here!  
  
STAN:  
Can I take it to her closet, then?  
  
KYLE:  
Sure, dude.  
  
CARTMAN:  
HEY!  
  
KYLE:  
You snooze, you lose, Juba The Butt!  
  
The guys start arguing. JAKE, HELEN and QUINN watch this from the top of the stares; JAKE is happy for DARIA, HELEN is confused with DARIA and the kids and QUINN feels a little frustrated, sad and left isolated with the whole thing.  
  
JAKE: (to HELEN)  
Wow! See, hon! Daria is picking up some new friends already.  
  
HELEN:  
But she never mentioned them before? Quinn? Did she tell you anything?  
  
QUINN:  
Umm, well.....no...  
  
HELEN senses something's wrong with QUINN. We cut to the inside of DARIA's darkened empty bedroom. There's lots of pounding on the front door. Suddenly, the door swings open and the guys fall on the floor with a loud thud. CARTMAN, now with the backpack, runs over the guys like a running back, runs across the room and tags the closet door. He then throws the pack on the floor and dose a victory dance. DARIA, right behind the scrimmage, turns on the light.  
  
CARTMAN:  
Two, Four, Six, Eight, Kicking weak gay butt is really great!!  
  
DARIA:  
Easy on the testosterone, Gov. Ventura. This isn't the State Office.  
  
The guys get up and take a quickie look around the room.  
  
STAN:  
Hey, Daria! Did a psychotic retard stayed in this room?  
  
DARIA:  
Why...yes, and he voted Republican.  
  
KYLE:  
Cool!  
  
KENNY is near a stack of tapes next to DARIA's TV and is pointing them out.  
  
KENNY:  
Hhmmmmththrksalkjdhgf  
  
CARTMAN:  
Hey, look guys! She's got Animal Maulings Vol. 20 through 25!!!  
  
STAN and KYLE notices DARIA's computer and a game box leaning next to it.  
  
STAN: (excited)  
DUDE! She's got 'Kill 'em Nuke 'em Bastards' game!!!  
  
KYLE:  
Cool! I get to play ahead of Cartman!  
  
CARTMAN:  
HEY!  
  
STAN: (to CARTMAN)  
You cut in line with Daria's pack, bacon fat ass!!  
  
DARIA:  
Hold on, guys! How about if I showed Stan and Kyle the game while Cartman and Kenny watch the tape. I already got enough blood stains from the last time Quinn wondered in here and set off my traps. O. K.?  
  
THE GUYS:  
O. K.!  
  
CARTMAN and KENNY go over to DARIA's bed and sits on it and KENNY turns on the TV and VCR. DARIA goes over to the computer with STAN and KYLE. QUINN pops her head in and views the scene. She looks very depressed as she notices everybody having a good time without her. She pops out. Then HELEN's head pops in.  
  
HELEN: (politely to DARIA)  
Ah, sweetheart, may I talk to you for a minute please?  
  
DARIA: (senses something is up)  
*heavy sigh* (to STAN and KYLE) Don't touch the target list until I get back.  
  
KYLE and STAN:  
O. K.  
  
STAN: (looking at the screen)  
Hey, check it out! You can hunt down Donald Trump, Brittany Spears, Martha Stewart.....  
  
KYLE:  
....Jessie Helms, Bill Cliton, Jay Leno AND MTV V-JAYS!!! Sweet!!!   
  
DARIA meets HELEN just outside her bedroom door. HELEN notices DARIA expression and carfully addresses her.  
  
HELEN:  
Honey, it's NOT what you think...I'm EVERY proud you are helping out with the exchange students.....  
  
DARIA;  
....buuuut....  
  
HELEN:  
Well, Quinn was making big plans of her own with the children and since you've become suddenly popular with them, she feels...suddenly left out.  
  
DARIA:  
Mom, I'm not going to force them to be a scarecrow for Quinn. If they want to be a decoration for her ego, I'll let them walk the plank by thier own choice; unlike what happened with the cousins.  
  
HELEN:  
I see your point, but could you please throw some meat her way, I don't want another one of her conniptions...like what happened with her nail polish.  
  
DARIA:  
Good point.  
  
DARIA and HELEN walk in the room and DARIA addresses the crowd, except for CARTMAN who's totally preoccupied with the TV.  
  
DARIA: (to the guys)  
Ah, guys? We have a situation brewing here. The fashion nazi needs one of you guys to baby-sit and keep her darkened soul company. I'll leave it up to you guys on whom you want to volunteer for this dangerous mission.  
  
STAN, KYLE and KENNY look at each other and quickly place their finger on the side of their noses...except, of course, for CARTMAN.  
  
CARTMAN: (to the TV)  
Yea, look at that turtle bite her fingers off! Yea! That'll teach 'em a lesson! (he senses something wrong) Hey, what's going on?!?! (notices the guys finger is on their noses) WHA....!? (he puts his finger on his nose but it's already too late, the choice has already been made) Ah, goddamn it!  
  
Suddenly, QUINN rushes in the room and grabs CARTMAN by his arm and drags him out of the room.  
  
QUINN: (totally greatful)  
OH! ThankYou!ThankYou!ThankYou!ThankYou!, etc...  
  
CARTMAN tries to grab the carpeting for wieght but it's no use. Little tares are seen from CARTMAN's finger nails.  
  
CARTMAN:  
NOOOOOO! YOU BAAAASTARDS!! NOOOOOOOO......!  
  
CARTMAN grabs the door frame, but, like a streched rubber band, looses his grip and dissappears into QUINN's room. He's screaming is heard fiantly from inside QUINN's room. All is silent at the sound of a slamming door.  
  
HELEN: (to DARIA)  
Thanks, sweetie. I owe you one.  
  
HELEN leaves.  
  
STAN:  
Damn! That was a close one. (to the computer) Hey, they got that 'Val' chick on the list!  
  
SCENE SIX:  
It's later that night. It's the near-by convenience store. DARIA is there getting one of her late night snacks. She gets a large bottle of coke to go with her big bag of potato chips. As she makes her way to the register, she bumps into TRENT. Both are little surprised to bump into each other.  
  
TRENT: (surprised, in his low-key way)  
Oh, Hey Daria...  
  
DARIA: (ditto)  
Hey, Trent. Cigarette break from the rehearsal marathon?  
  
TRENT:  
Ah, you know me all to well. It's a tough session this time. We haven't been through this hell of a ringer since our early Doors tribute band days!! (shutters) To this day, I still cough my blackened lung up whenever I hear the word 'lizard'. (changes the subject) Jannie was just telling me you have an audience from South Park.  
  
DARIA:  
Oooh, yea and tonight is audience participation night! Quinn's got one of the kids dressed up as a TeleTubbie fanboy and is trying to get the rest of them into tight pink PokeMon jumpsuits so they're nicknaming her Martha Hitler, Dad's trading the usual horrific family stories and Mom is preaching her usual orderly household rant while they're belching and mooning in her face. It's a regular Home Improvement episode written by Howard Stern.  
  
TRENT laughs and coughs. Both approach the counter. Off to the side at the coffee self-serve counter, stands a tall man in a black suit, pants and hat with sunglasses pouring coffee in an large soft drink Big-Gulp-size cup. We don't see his face...yet.  
  
TRENT:  
(to the counter guy) A pack of generic regular, Sal. (to DARIA) Can help but kinda laugh about how those kids we met CowFest '99 ended up on YOUR doorstep.  
  
DARIA:  
...and I can't help but KINDA grimace when these freak accidents ends knocking on my bedroom door. Doesn't everyone know when an old-fashioned curmudgeon wants to be left alone to plan her own downfall?  
  
DARIA and TRENT make their purchase and walk out the front door. Both walk over to the curb in front of the store.  
  
DARIA:  
I heard from Jane that you were tagged as the opening act for the school new years' gig. Hadn't you guys learned your lesson from CowFest '99?  
  
TRENT:  
Hey! We got home court advantage! Nothing's gonna happen to us here. Besides, we talked the organizers to put mats in front of the stage AND we know where THEY live...for insurance, you know.  
  
DARIA and TRENT begin to sit on the curb. TRENT lights a cigarette as DARIA feels something as she sits. She then reaches inside one of her jacket pockets and pulls out a cheap beaten-up homomica (as used in 'The Big House' episode). She looks at TRENT to check if he hadn't notice this and tosses the instrument behind him into the trash can next to the front doors. Just as the homonica lands in the can, the cheap suited man with the Big Gulp-sized coffee cup stops just past the door, notices the homonica and leans over to pick it out of the can. He then walks over to DARIA and TRENT.  
  
DARIA:  
Isn't that an abuse of the 'wishful thinking' cluase in your contract?  
  
TRENT:  
What's life without taking a few chances? A little excitement here and there as long as it doesn't interrupt your sleeping schedule. Hell, now with those kids, you've becoming a prime example...  
  
DARIA:  
Trent, please don't encourage the middle finger of fate to flip another one on me. I've got enough "excitement" to take with me to the express Soul Train to my grave.  
  
Just then the man in the SUIT approaches DARIA and TRENT from behind. He cordially addresses DARIA.  
  
SUIT:  
Excuse me, miss? Is this your homonica?  
  
TRENT causally looks up to the SUIT guy and answers him in his own way of speaking up for DARIA to this nosy stranger.  
  
TRENT:  
So what's it to ya, bub?........  
  
TRENT is suddenly in shock when he recognizes the face of the SUIT guy. It's ELWOOD BLUES standing, nealing a bit, between TRENT and DARIA. TRENT gets up to greet him.  
  
TRENT: (pleasantly surprised, a little more than usual)  
...What the hell....?! You're Elwood Blues...?! Oh, man!....  
  
ELWOOD: (not used to THIS type of recognition, apprehensive)  
Oh...yea...hi. Yooooou're not from my parole board, aren't ya?  
  
TRENT:  
Of course not!! I'm just a fellow starving musician.  
  
DARIA:  
So where's the secret handshake?  
  
TRENT shakes ELWOOD's hand.  
  
TRENT: (to DARIA)  
Daria, This is Elwood Blues from the Blues Brothers band. I used to listen to their 'Briefcase Of The Blues' alot! That Chicago blues really helped me with my angst development when I was growing up. (to ELWOOD) The name is Trent.  
  
ELWOOD: (to TRENT)  
Pleased to meet ya, Trent. I don't mind the angst stuff as long we're not credited to inspiring Pearl Jam.  
  
TRENT: (to ELWOOD)  
What brings you down here, Elwood?  
  
ELWOOD:  
Well, first off, to give your friend here her homonica back...I saw it flying into the trash can back there....  
  
ELWOOD hands it to DARIA. DARIA feels embarrassed in front of TRENT over it.  
  
DARIA: (mumbling)  
....aw, well....thankyouverymuchbut....  
  
ELWOOD: (to DARIA)  
You...aw...play.  
  
DARIA:  
Unless you count blowing through it as hard as you can to irritate your sister in the next room.  
  
TRENT: (surprised)  
You play the harp, Daria?! Damn, I'm finding out a lot more about you every day.  
  
DARIA:  
Weeelllll....  
  
From out of nowhere, we hear another more husky voice calling out to ELWOOD. It happens to belong to JAKE Blues, ELWOOD's brother.  
  
JAKE B.:  
Hey, Elwood! Come on, man. We gotta find a Motel 3 around here.  
  
JAKE B. walks into the scene and notices TRENT and DARIA.  
  
ELWOOD: (to JAKE B.)  
Just saying hello to the local friendly neighborhood starving artists. (to TRENT and DARIA) Guys, this is my brother Jake. Jake, this is Trent and Daria, they both play.  
  
All four shake hands, though DARIA forces herself to get up and be social. JAKE B. notices DARIA in particular.  
  
JAKE B.: (to DARIA)  
You play?!  
  
DARIA:  
Huh....  
  
ELWOOD:  
Get this, she plays the harp.  
  
JAKE: (impressed)  
Really? Hmmm, there's something about a chick musician! Hell, that gig we just did with those Pussycats was amazing. Didn't care for the music, but those outfits and that attitude....man, THAT got my motor runnin'...  
  
DARIA: (to herself)  
....yup, there's something about exhibitionism and bad music to bring out the manhood in ones pants....  
  
JAKE B.: (to DARIA and TRENT)  
You locals know any cheap places to crash around here. We just got off of a long road trip.  
  
TRENT:  
Well, there's The Red Eye Motel down this road.  
  
JAKE B.:  
Is it cheap?  
  
TRENT:  
Are you kidding? The place is popular with the county vice squad.  
  
ELWOOD: (to JAKE B.)  
Sounds like our type of place.  
  
JAKE B.:  
How about a decent pool joint?  
  
TRENT:  
There's the Bud's Beer Bucket next to the The Den on Dega Street.  
  
JAKE B.  
Good. I need to get some energy out of my system before I crash.  
  
TRENT:  
If you guys don't mind, Daria and I can tag along to keep ya company.  
  
JAKE B.:  
Ah, sure. I need someone to take money from to help pay for the motel room. We'll follow you to the motel and we'll group it from there. (to ELWOOD) Let's go.  
  
ELWOOD and JAKE B. take off for thier leaveing TRENT and DARIA behind. TRENT whips out his car keys. DARIA looks at TRENT with slight annoyance.  
  
TRENT: (joking)  
Toot Toot! It's the Sooooooull....  
  
DARIA: (steirnly)  
Go and drink some Afro Sheen, Don Cornelious.  
  
SCENE SEVEN:  
It's inside of Bud's Beer Bucket. We end up at the pool area with about six pool tables. We see, in order, JAKE B. (smoking up a storm), TRENT (beer in hand), DARIA (just herself) and ELWOOD either leaning against the brick wall or sitting down on the bench against the wall. Each has their own pool stick. A game is in progress on the table in front of them. The balls on the table are clacking away but we don't see who's shooting away. The gang just sit/stand, talk and watch.  
  
TRENT: (to JAKE B.)  
So, you guys are booked at that fund-raiser gig too, eh?  
  
JAKE B.:  
Yea, we normally play for one charity...us. However, Jake and I got out of Juliet with a few billion years of probation, so we gotta do these kiss-up feely-good gigs in some brain-dead white-bread piss-ant town to keep our parole officer off our dicks. (pauses, then to TRENT and DARIA) No offense.  
  
TRENT:  
No sweat. You don't have to live here. Dega Street is the only place in this town where I don't have the compulsion to openly make fun of people's lawn ornaments and it's getting to be a major drag to write a same song over and over on this same subject...  
  
DARIA:  
...and the school you're helping to write off is a prison with Nurse Cratchet running the unfunny farm who welds a steel dildo of reckless authoritative ambition.  
  
ELWOOD:  
Sounds like the old Orphanage....minus the dildo; the Penguin is as Catholic as they get!  
  
DARIA:  
You're Catholic?  
  
ELWOOD:  
Hmmm, yea.  
  
DARIA:  
Gee, I'm sorry.  
  
ELWOOD: (confused)  
The orphanage part?  
  
DARIA:  
No. The Catholic part.  
  
TRENT:  
So where's the band? Are they coming in late?  
  
JAKE B.:  
Yea. They're coming in on.....another form of transportation.  
  
TRENT:  
U-Haul?  
  
JAKE B.: (apprehensive)  
Not exactly.  
  
DARIA:  
Hitchhiking on a circus caravan?  
  
JAKE B. (again)  
Weeeelll.....  
  
ELWOOD: (a little pissed at JAKE B.)  
Air freight. We could barely afford the gas money for this cheap gig so Jake Trump here....  
  
JAKE: (defensively, to ELWOOD)  
Elwood, what was the alternative?! Walking? The circus train? Greyhound? Fucking Amtrak? I had to cut some corners to make the cut!  
  
ELWOOD:  
Putting the guys in WITH the equipment?!?  
  
JAKE:  
I tipped the skycap a few extra bucks to put 'em in the crates with holes in them!!  
  
TRENT: (easily impressed)  
Cool. Life on the road and ON the edge  
  
DARIA: (deadpan)  
The edge of claustrophobia, that is.  
  
JAKE B.:  
I'll tell ya, kid. As long we've been on the road, you gotta expect a ass-load of crap thrown your way, roadblocks between you, the gig and your pay. You got to make do with what you got in your head and in you wallet.  
  
Suddenly, the last ball in play is sunked in a pocket and the game is over. JANE walks into the frame and she, too, has a pool stick. She walks up to JAKE B.  
  
JANE: (to JAKE B.)  
Well, I guess there ain't much in neither as I just wiped you out. Fourty bucks, profit boy.  
  
JAKE B. reluctantly whips out his wallet and hands over some bills to JANE. He gives TRENT a pissed look.  
  
JAKE B.:  
Shit! (to TRENT) You just HAD to drag your kid sister along, eh?  
  
TRENT:  
Hey, Jane handles all the pool hall challenges that's thrown my way. She's slightly more competitive than me.  
  
JANE:  
Which is still nil, but, I'll have to admit, it IS a neat and easy way to earn some extra money for art supplies.  
  
JANE gives TRENT a few bills for his cut. ELWOOD turns to DARIA.  
  
ELWOOD: (to DARIA)  
Looks like our turn, Daria. You up for a round?  
  
DARIA:  
I don't think so. I only play pool for therapy. I imagine the faces of those who deserve to parish on each ball and that usualy calms my rotted nerves.  
  
JANE:  
Especially, bowling. On a good weekend after a VERY bad week, Daria and I go to the lanes and give it good and hard to the pins. We don't even think of keeping any score except the dead corpse we imagine down the lane. Now, if Concubine had a school bowling team......  
  
ELWOOD: (to DARIA)  
Tell you what. We'll play for free homonica lessons. If I win, I'll give you a few...  
  
DARIA:  
...and if I win?...  
  
ELWOOD:  
I leave you alone about it. Fair enough for ya?  
  
DARIA:  
*sigh* Guess so. You start.  
  
ELWOOD sets the game up and DARIA goes over next to JANE to chalk her stick.  
  
JAKE B.: (to JANE)  
So.....Jane, how about double or nothing after this round.  
  
JANE: (to JAKE B.)  
Noooo thank you! This maybe therapy but I'm not THAT crazy.  
  
JAKE B.: (trying to incise JANE)  
Cone on! Stranger things had happen! You could win again.  
  
JANE:  
DON'T tempted the middle finger of fate, hommie! It just MIGHT poke your eyes out.  
  
Just as JANE starts to belt this last line, ELWOOD leans over the table for the breaking shot. DARIA notices a unhealed scar on his hand and suddenly thrown for a loop. She, oddly enough, recognizes the scar. DARIA then whips out a old Polaroid picture out of her jacket pocket; the picture happens to be someone else's hand with an identical scar! JANE glances over to DARIA and notices her expression and, over DARIA's shoulder, the picture.  
  
JANE:  
Wow, speaking of which...(looks at the pic)....hey, isn't that Jake's scar??  
  
DARIA:  
No, it's the finger of fate.  
  
DARIA looks up from the picture to ELWOOD.  
  
ELWOOD:  
What's the matter, kid? Looks like you've seen a ghost?  
  
JAKE B. looks over DARIA's shoulder to see the picture.  
  
JAKE B.:  
Hey, Elwood! She's got a picture of your hand!  
  
ELWOOD: (confused)  
Huh? What?!?  
  
DARIA: (carefully)  
...ah, it's not Elwood's hand, it's my dad's. I took this while he was napping in front of the TV.  
  
ELWOOD puts down his stick, walks over and takes the picture from DARIA for a closer look.  
  
ELWOOD:  
Yup, that's my scare but not my hand...I think? (confounded, to DARIA) What the hell is this?!  
  
DARIA: (apprehensive on answering that question)  
Quite possibly YOUR missing link.  
  
SCENE EIGHT:  
Back at the Morgendoffer household, everyone (excluding DARIA and JAKE) in the front room for one of HELEN's improv meetings. QUINN is sitting next to CARTMAN, KENNY, STAN and KYLE. The only sore thumb sticking out is CARTMAN who is wearing a obnoxiously bright 'TeleTubbies' outfit that BARELY fit his large frame. The letters on front of the short spell out 'I LOVE TELETUBBIES!'. The guys are smirking and snorting, trying heavily to not to laugh out loud at CARTMAN...at least, not in front of HELEN.  
  
QUINN: (to CARTMAN)  
See, you're blending in already. Now, all we have to do is bleach your hair to match up with the bright scheme.  
  
Just then, CARTMAN turns to the guys and angry addresses them.  
  
CARTMAN: (to the guys)  
You butt-sniffing bitches better not....  
  
KENNY: (cutting CARTMAN off )  
Mmmmmhph Thhhhhffffffth Yoooooofffffgh (Translation: '..and afterthat, she'll die your pubic hair to match your gay scheme as well.')  
  
The guys laugh and CARTMAN is pissed.  
  
CARTMAN:  
HEY!  
  
CARTMAN punches KENNY. HELEN reacts.  
  
HELEN:  
MUST you boys fight all the time!? Leave Eric alone! Give him some time to get used to his new outfit.  
  
KYLE:  
....and guys blowing kisses at him....  
  
The guys laugh and CATMAN starts punching again. HELEN tries to calm things down...again.  
  
HELEN:  
SHUSH! I trying to hold a meeting here so we can get better aquatinted with each other. All this fighting isn't helping.  
  
STAN:  
Oh, we ARE getting better acquitted, Ms. Morgandorffer. We now know Quinn is a fashion nazi and Cartman's gay.  
  
QUINN:  
He's NOT gay, Stan! He's dressed HAPPILY!  
  
KENNY:  
MMMuuummmmppppphhhhh!!! Ttthhhhhiffftt! (translation: 'Happy to be sucking major.........')  
  
CARTMAN interrupts and punches KENNY again.  
  
QUINN:  
Mom!!  
  
HELEN:  
STOP IT, THIS INSTANT!! *heavy sigh* Why can't I have a constructive and intelligent conversation around here?  
  
Just then, JAKE walks in from the stairs.  
  
JAKE:  
Daria is not in her room! She said she was getting something from her room over three hours ago and now she's gone. All I found was bed sheets tide together just out her bedroom window.  
  
STAN: (to KYLE)  
Because they scared Daria off.  
  
QUINN:  
She better not have used the ones on MY bed again!  
  
JAKE: (calmly)  
Nope, not those.....  
  
QUINN sighs in relief  
  
JAKE: (cont.)  
.......It's the expensive pink silk set you just got from Cashmen's.  
  
QUINN shrieks in terror!  
  
QUINN:  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  
  
HELEN signs again. Suddenly, we hear the front door open and closed. Everyone in the room turns around and sees DARIA enter the room with JAKE B. and ELWOOD right behind her. HELEN springs into action figruing some sort of a legal trouble.  
  
HELEN: (urgently to DARIA)  
DARIA! What on earth did you do this time?! They didn't read you your rights yet? We'll have to...  
  
DARIA:  
Easy, mom. This is more for dad.  
  
ELWOOD turns to JAKE.  
  
ELWOOD: (to JAKE in a monotone almost-officers)  
Are you Jake Matthew Morgandorffer?  
  
Now, it's JAKE's turn to get nervous.  
  
JAKE:  
WHAT?! YES?! NO?! OH, GOD! I KNEW THOSE UNPAID SPEEDING TICKETS WERE GOING TO CATCH UP TO ME. (he falls to his knees and begs ELWOOD) OH. PLEASE DON'T IMPOUND MY LEXUS! I JUST PAID OFF THE REPAIRS FROM MY COLLISION WITH THE TREE!!!  
  
ELWOOD: (really uncomfortable now)  
Ummmmm, it's not about that...  
  
JAKE:  
THEN IT MUST OF BEEN THOSE STOCK MARKET ADVISE!! OH, GOD!! IT'S THAT MILKEN CONTRACT ON MY HEAD AGAIN!!! LOOK, CAN I BRIDE YOU WITH SOME TIPS TO LOOK THE OTHER WAY!?!?!?!?!  
  
ELWOOD pulls out DARIA's Polaroid and shows it to JAKE.  
  
ELWOOD:  
Uuuuumm, nope. It isn't for that either. Dose this look familiar to you, sir?  
  
JAKE gets up, takes the picture and studies it.  
  
JAKE:  
Uh...that looks like my hand...the one with the old family birthmark. But, how did you....?  
  
ELWOOD then shows his hands to JAKE to show the 'scar' to him.  
  
ELWOOD:  
Dose THIS look familiar, too?  
  
JAKE is taken back (again) by the similarity. JAKE then holds out HIS hand with the scare for comparison.  
  
JAKE:  
Hey, you stole my family birthmark! Give it back this instant, DAMN IT!!!  
  
HELEN:  
Jake! It's not a birthmark! You got that scar when your father accidentally dropped his bottle of beer on you when he was teaching you how to open a beer bottle with your teeth when you were just six months old.  
  
JAKE: (starting to rant...again)  
Ooooh, of course...it's all coming back to me now! EVEN in my early stages of development, that old man was already poising my mind and my BLOODstream, drugging and molding me into a mindless He-Man Jr. After he dropped that bottle on me, he tried to teach me about chewing tobacco and I hadn't developed TEETH yet!  
  
HELEN: (getting embarrassed)  
Honey, not now. We're in company of guests...  
  
JAKE: (cont.)  
....then years later, after I stopped puking from that tobacco, he was taunting me with this b.s. about having this he-man for a younger brother who could OUT smoke, OUT drink, OUT chew, OUT breath, OUT screw me into the afterlife! What a bunch of whooie! All I got from THAT whole chapter of hell was an expensive dentists bill for scrapping the tabacco residue from what was left of my upper front teeth and gums!  
  
ELWOOD, JAKE B. and DARIA look at each other with great concern. ELWOOD then takes out his front teeth densures to show JAKE. JAKE take one look at them and his mouth open in shock and HIS front teeth dentures fall out on to the floor.  
  
JAKE: (high pitched)  
Eepttthhh!  
  
...and JAKE suddenly faints and hits the floor hard, unconscious.  
  
SCENE NINE:  
It's sometime later in DARIA's room where JAKE B., ELWOOD, STAN, KENNY and KYLE have gathered. We cut into a conversation. We hear the sound of someone slapping someone's face faint in the distance.  
  
DARIA:  
So, it IS true. You, Elwood Blues, are Jake's long lost younger brother. Oh my god, this means that Bigfoot DOSE live.  
  
STAN: (to KYLE)  
Cool! A long lost brother turns out to be a blues musician!  
  
KYLE:  
Hey! Ya got any boozin' and screwin' stories from the road?  
  
DARIA:  
Easy, guys. One urban legend deflated at a time.  
  
JAKE B.: (a tad jelious, to ELWOOD)  
Hmmm...and I always though the Penguin was the one who smacked your choppers off before I met you.  
  
ELWOOD:   
(to JAKE B.) Jake, I'm as broadsided about this as you are. (to DARIA) So how the hell did all this happened?  
  
DARIA:  
From what I can piece together from my father's continuous ranting and grandma's wondering hallucinations from her medication over the years; while Jake was away on summer kindergarten ROTC training camp, his mother gave birth to you. However, before Jake got back, Mad Dog Papa, coming back from a weekend tour of showing you off to his army buddies, lost you at the airport during his 'tea time' between flights.  
  
ELWOOD:  
He notified the authorities, right?  
  
DARIA:  
If he was a normal human being. Instead, being the total Army He-Man that he was, he couldn't muster enough nerve to tell them that he lost you. Therefore, out of the fear of embarrassment and the depletion of his precious testosterone supply, he told no one and went home.  
  
ELWOOD:  
Did he tell his wife, at least?!  
  
DARIA:  
Not exactly. She had her instincts but not a word was said.  
  
All looked shocked.  
  
STAN:  
Damn! Whatta pisser!  
  
DARIA:  
You got to understand. Jake's dad was ALL alpha male. Failure was NOT an option, it was just a form of suicide by mentioning it to a living creature...even to the women who gave birth to the lost parcel.  
  
In the background, we can still hear the slaps. Unseen, JAKE is beginning to snap out of it.  
  
JAKE: (v.o.)  
...oh...momie...Helen....where am I?...  
  
HELEN: (ditto, concerned)  
I'm here. Are you feeling fine?  
  
JAKE: (sound more coherent)  
Yes, a...little...better now.  
  
HELEN:  
...then (suddenly bursts) STOP SLAPPING ME!!!  
  
The slapping stops.  
  
QUINN: (also unseen)  
O. K., everybody! Dad's awake. We can finish this meeting in time for my date, PLEEEEASE!!!  
  
Everybody in DARIA's bedroom gets up.  
  
DARIA:  
Now we resume Meeting of the Mindless, which is already in progress.  
  
The sound of running feet is heard. Suddenly, JAKE is enters the room and attempts to grab and hug ELWOOD. Unfortunately, JAKE misses and ends up hugging JAKE B., grabing JAKE B. around his waist and picking him up, off the floor. The sound of cracking ribs is heard.  
  
JAKE: (not really noticing)  
ELWOOD! MY DEAR, DEAR LONG LOST BROTHER!  
  
CARTMAN:  
O. K., this is when the family gay stuff starts and my presents in this room stops! Screw you guys, I'm hiding in the closet.  
  
DARIA: (to JAKE)  
Um, wrong brother, dad.  
  
JAKE notices and puts JAKE B. down.  
  
JAKE:  
Sorry there, Jake.  
  
JAKE B.: (a bit edgy, to JAKE)  
No problem, pal. I'm sure you're really looking for your REAL brother.  
  
ELWOOD: (to JAKE B.)  
Come on, Jake. Not now.  
  
JAKE: (confused)  
Not now? For what?  
  
DARIA:  
Not you, "Jakie", the other one.  
  
JAKE B:  
For what? I'll tell ya, Elwood Morgandorffer. You just got yourself a ACTUAL family now.  
  
STAN:  
What a minute. (to JAKE B.) Aren't you and Jake...I mean the other Jake....are brothers.  
  
ELWOOD:  
Nnnnooo, not in a conventional scene.  
  
DARIA: (guessing, to ELWOOD)  
You mean you and Jake No. 2 are blood brothers?  
  
JAKE:  
Of course, we are, honey. We ALL are!!  
  
DARIA: (getting edgy with this old joke)  
No, dad. The other one. (to JAKE B.) Sorry.  
  
JAKE:  
'Blood Brothers'?! You mean, beat each other up until we were bloody all over? My old fraternity did that.  
  
DARIA: (getting frustrated, to herself)  
...oooh, god help me....  
  
JAKE B.: (cutting in)  
...look, when we were back at the orphanage, Elwood and I cut our thumbs and pressed them together ...making us blood brothers.  
  
CARTMAN:  
Cool! I once did that with the UFO's. I'm their soooul bratha!  
  
KYLE:  
No wonder your stupid ass glows in the dark.  
  
HELEN and QUINN enters the now crowded bedroom. Both look upset.  
  
HELEN:  
So THERE you are. The meeting is down stairs IN the living room.  
  
QUINN: (to DARIA)  
Yea, DARia! You seem to be grabbing the center attention around here.  
  
DARIA:  
Oh, dear. Jealous of the competition?  
  
HELEN:  
Whatever the debate is right now, I don't care, but I want this IN the...  
  
JAKE: (to JAKE B.)  
You mean you and Elwood share the same blood?  
  
JAKE B:  
A spill here or there...but yea.  
  
QUINN:  
Eeeeuuuh! How gr-OOss!  
  
HELEN:  
Jake, I find this desperate level of male bonding totally worthless and meaningless. Just because two He-Man's relive their primal..........  
  
JAKE: (suddenly over joyed, cutting off HELEN)  
I don't believe it! I lost one brother and I get two back!! HOT DAMN! I got a family from MY side!! YaHOO! (to JAKE B.) Jake Number 2! Welcome to the Morgandorffer family!  
  
JAKE hugs JAKE B. like before, cracking ribs and all. HELEN and QUINN look startled. HELEN begins to speak disappovingly on this situation, but JAKE cuts her off.  
  
JAKE: (to HELEN, joyfully)  
Helen, where are the cots?!?!  
  
SCENE TEN:  
It's later the same night and we're in JAKE and HELEN's bathroom. HELEN is in her night clothes getting ready for bed. She looks slightly upset. JAKE enters the room. He, too, is in his jammies but is whistling a few bars of Duke Elington's 'Just A Lucky So and So' and is mindlessly happy. Just as he enters the room, he kisses HELEN on her cheek and starts brushing his teeth. HELEN sighs heavily to get JAKE's attention. JAKE is in such a good mood that he doesn't notices HELEN's "subtle" form of communication and continues his humming and brushing.  
  
HELEN:  
*heavy sigh*  
  
No dice from JAKE, so she tries again.  
  
HELEN:  
*heavier sigh*  
  
No dice again. HELEN gives up the 'pretend' ghost.  
  
HELEN: (quitely firm)  
Jake, haven't you noticed the echoes vibrating from this side of the room?  
  
JAKE:  
NOPE! Not even one of your fake gastral blasts from my chili nights would rock my little world.  
  
HELEN: (slightly disgusted from JAKE's answer)  
Never MIND that, Jake! I'm trying to bring to your short-attention-span of the developing situation that's unfolding in our own house.  
  
JAKE: (suddenly in a panic)  
What!? We're running out of Gas-X?! (quickly opens the cabinet) I swore I just bought some last week?!  
  
HELEN reaches over and slams the door shut.  
  
HELEN:  
I mean those loafers invading OUR home.  
  
JAKE: (slightly upset)  
Honey, that's not a nice way to refer to those kids. They can't help it if they come from a dump like South Park.  
  
HELEN gives JAKE her patented stern look. He gets the hint this time.  
  
JAKE:  
(shocked) You mean MY brothers!? Come on, Helen. I don't even say such things like THAT about YOUR side when they stop by for a visit. That's Daria's department.  
  
HELEN:  
MY side doesn't wonder through our front door CLAIMING to be related from out of nowhere from some gutter....  
  
JAKE: (back to his claim self and his teeth)  
Well, if I were from Chicago, I'd kinda desprate, too. Hell, look at those kids. I'll bet they volunteered for this exchange deal without telling their parents.  
  
HELEN:  
We got our hands full with those exchange students and Quinn's going through one of her fashion cycles and NOW we have two hobos smelling up the house and crashing in on our house...they probably raid the fridge before sneaking out through the back door....  
  
JAKE:  
Hon, whenever YOUR family comes over, I had to put up with the Three B's all weekend; backstabbing, bickering and belching.....  
  
HELEN:  
What?!....MY family doesn't backst....(she's pulls back from this word and goes to another)...I mean, belch.....  
  
JAKE:  
Whenever Cousin Henry tries to show me off with HIS failed hand with chili cooking....  
  
HELEN:  
What dose chili....?!  
  
JAKE: (understanding yet firm)  
...a lot. I mean, Hon....In all my life, I never had much family bonding, especially from my side. When I married you, I figured I'd have an extended family I can be with, but, let's face, Helen, they're more vocal than the football spectators I see on TV.  
  
HELEN: (calming down, agreeing abit)  
We ARE a interactive bunch, I guess. But those....  
  
JAKE:  
...and you know the whole drill about my side. I'm just getting deaf and tired from the noise from both sides of the field, but now with Jake and Elwood, I have a chance to do some bonding without the bloody nose.....(mainly to himself) god, why did I ever did THAT in collage?!  
  
Suddenly there's a knock on from the bedroom door.  
  
HELEN:  
(to JAKE) All I can say is I hope you have enough bandages (shouts towards the door) Who is it?  
  
CARTMAN enters the room. He is dressed in day-glo Backstreet Boys P.J.'s  
  
CARTMAN:  
It's me, Miss Morgandorffer.  
  
HELEN: (friendly)  
What do want, Eric?  
  
CARTMAN is apprehensive, but direct.  
  
CARTMAN:  
Do you have an extra sleeping bag? Those guys took over the bed in the guest room and I might have to sleep on the floor.  
  
HELEN:  
....but you're sleeping in Quinn's room, aren't you?  
  
CARTMAN: (dreading the subject)  
Yea, I know but...you know...I allergic to flammable day-go gay a'pairal and I might end up gayer than Richard Simmions with a estrogen prescription.   
  
HELEN: (seeing through CARTMAN)  
E-r-r-ic. You know very well we discussed the sleeping arrangements and that you will have keep Quinn company. Understand?  
  
CARTMAN:  
Oh...O. K.,...ummm....in that case, can I ask for something eles?  
  
HELEN: (friendly again)  
Sure, Eric.  
  
CARTMAN:  
Can I have a fist full of Q-tips to shove into my eardrums so I don't have to hear Quinn's fashion talk in her sleep?  
  
HELEN: (not knowing where this is leading)  
No.  
  
CARTMAN:  
Oh, in that case, can I have some bard wire so Quinn doesn't so near me with more of this (arms open to indicate the p.j.'s) gay crap?  
  
HELEN: (getting a little testy)  
No.  
  
CARTMAN:  
Can I have a bag over my head so I can live within my shame to the world that slept with Quinn?  
  
HELEN:  
Eric....  
  
CARTMAN:  
How about a electrical cord to hang myself and get it over with?  
  
HELEN: (louder)  
ERIC!  
  
Just then JAKE kneels on one nee to talk to CARTMAN.  
  
JAKE: (friendly)  
Tell you what, Eric. Why don't you go down stairs and go to the kitchen and have one of my brothers get you a bottle of old fashion pure garlic seasoning from the spice rack. Sprinkle a pinch on the palm of your hand and give it a good lick.  
  
CARTMAN: (disgusted)  
Eeeeeow! What the hell would I do that for?!  
  
JAKE:  
Well, if I know only ONE very thing about my young fashion plate daughter, she would rather kiss a comic book store clerk than even go near ANY date with the case of stinky breath and with that pure garlic smell, Quinn will sure as hell stay away from you for six hours.  
  
CARTMAN:  
Really?! Cool! Thanks, dude! You're a real life-saver!!  
  
CARTMAN happily runs off. HELEN then gives THAT stern look again. JAKE looks back at her and notices. He's baffled at HELEN.  
  
JAKE:  
What?!  
  
END OF PART ONE  
12/4/M2 10:38 p.m.  
  
Copyright stuff: DARIA characters: (c) M2/2001 MTV Networks, Inc.; SOUTH PARK characters: (c) M2/2001 Comedy Partners, NICK DANGER: (c) M2/2001 THE FIRESIGN THEATER; BLUES BROTHERS: (c) 1980, M2, 2001 Universal City Studios, Inc. (I think) and everything else (for what it's worth [which ain't much...if any]): n(c) M2, 2001 Don Fields   
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES:  
PART ONE: "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!!":  
Well, you made it! The first mega-part of this unfinished monster and, with the way things are going lately, Frankinsteen here will have to stay that way. More on this later. This story, in it's most basic form, started to form soon after finishing my first fic, 'The Sound Of One Band Sucking'. Even though I managed to come up with some interesting ideas and plot complications, it was a slow go as these same ideas were building into a bigger set of Legos than intestipated and I found "IT" daunting. In the meantime, I side tracked myself by pounding out a few fics (see below, again) just to give myself a break.  
  
PART TWO: 'THE BLUES & THE DANGER':  
I've been a HUGH fan of 'The Blues Brothers' movie since it first came out. It was a wonderful reckless mix of great music, manic energy, insane car chases and crashes and low-life characters. So the idea of having them as Jake's long lost relatives was a great idea. With Jake's upper-middle suburban background, you can easily guess the friction here. Plus, it gave me a chance to big out my old blues tapes for BGM and plot points, too. Oh, and this isn't the first time I borrowed a character from the legendary group, 'The Firesign Theatre' (see 'Everything You Know Is Wrong!'); Nick Danger is their satirical tribute to those days of the 40's and the noir. What dose HE have to do with this plot...well, while I saw getting the ball rolling here, I just saw the Cohen Bros.'s 'The Big Lebowski' and remember the Sam Eliot narrator /character in it. You can figure out the rest.  
  
PART THREE: "BUT WHY STOP THERE?!"   
Well, I've been working on this story for QUITE sometime (over a year, actually) and it's getting me nowhere with my patience and my mood....and if I did managed to finish this bastard, the TV series will be over and it's surrounding fandom would have spreaded away to other parts unknown. There has been meny other 'Fake Daria' stories I want to work on but they're more simple than the complicated multi-plotted monster I got baried with here. Plus I got some small press projects to work on (including a 'Josie & The Pussycats' fanzine), some art strips for a furry APA and other pointless and more important, personal pursuits to chase down.  
  
PART FOUR: 'WHAT IF?!':  
One of the many MANY plots I would of tackled (if I had the time and brain power):  
*Jane would end up with warring with Mr. Garrison's friend, Mr. Hands and get briefly suspended.  
*Jake's reckless attempts with bonding with Jake and Elwood.  
*The South Park guys trying to live through school without being cornered by Principle Li and the Fashion Club and, at the same time, get even with Quinn over the "cousin" deal with Daria.  
*Cartman gets into a HUGH grudge match with DeMartino to prove who's the biggest pisser on the planet.  
*Helen trying to get used to Jake B. and Elwood around the house and in the family tree.  
*Daria, of course, stuck in the middle of this cacophony with Elwood trying to teach her the play the harp-blues style with Nick Danger popping in and out, trailing her.  
*....oh, yea, the concert. Well, I'll say this much. It would of contained an disastrous appearance by Up With People, Kathy Lee Gifford and Casey Kesem with Trent and the boys backing-up the Jake Blues at the last minute. As you see, an ALMOST near disaster (and Kenny would of get his here, too) with Trent and his boys, Jake and Daria's harp to save the concert and day.  
*...and I haven't gotten an idea WHAT Li and S. P. Mayor collective plan's are!!!!  
  
PART FIVE: 'WHAT NOW?!...and who cares...':  
Even though I'm proud with the script and story, I'm slightly disappointed how this process turned out (and almost burned out). However, this is fan fiction, so any emotional luggage that would attach itself to this would certify me into the realm of Trekkies! So, the bottom line is: Who cares?! Any future Daria "stuff" I'll pile together will be more personal and not as big, THAT'S for sure!!  
  
PART SIX: 'THE BLAME GOES TO....':  
Whom do I blame for this? The usual suspects: 'Daria' creators and writers, 'Daria' fandom and fanficers in general (even Daniel Sui! I liked his stuff!!), Danny Bronstein, The Firesign Theater and Dan Aykroid for allowing me to rip them off for this stupid thing and, for the background noise, Charles Brown, McCoy Tyner, Muddy Waters, Electric Light Orchestra (their new box set JUST came out last week. YUPPPPIE!!), The Droplift Project and, of course, The Molotov Cocktail Hour.  
  
Other episodes of Don-O's 'Fake Daria Netweb':  
'The Sound Of One Band Sucking'  
'Kind Of Blue'  
'Everything You Know Is Wrong!'  
'Somewhere Over The Edge'  
...available for your desperate entertainment at FanFiction.net, Outpost Daria and (hopefully) some bribed Daria site near you.  
  
...thank you...now, turn this stupid computer off and read a damned book for a change!!!  
  
Love,  
Don-O  



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